Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark
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the Conceited Republican

Shai, 031789
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(London School of Economics)

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Way long before
i want to cry, but i can't
20090204 @ Wednesday, February 04, 2009

To Cousin Bob,
I pray that you'll wake up and read this. I'm not good with words when it comes to comforting. But these are my honest thoughts and feelings.

It's been an upsetting day for me. Cousin Bob is not doing well at all. That's saddening, truly. I spent the entire day at the hospital with my parents and relatives. Uncle Idris and Aunt Eton is very beat out with their looks.Worried ,depressed and tired, no matter how strong Uncle Idris potray himself to be, I know he can't bring himself forth to se his son. I mean I feel sad for them. Looking at your own child helpless on the hospital bed, what else can you do?

The most is to pray for him. The rest is left to Allah S.W.T.

I admit I've never been a religious person, per se. And it's not a practice for me to type this kinda emotional feelings and thoughts out. Nevertheless, I'll try my best to urge myself to pray and recite for him. May he leave this world in peace, if his time is up and that should be the case. Allah must love him, hence taking him away from this cruel world early.

I hope he'll do and go good, wherever he may be.
I will miss you Cousin Bob (though honestly I've never been close to you at all).
I will pray for you.

All day in the hospital, seeing relatives fluttering in and out, I never could feel the sad part. Of losing a kin. I sound totally lousy now. But this is the most truthful thing I'm ever gonna say here. I couldn't "find" the pain. Maybe I really have got a heart of stone, void of all kindness and emotions. Honestly, I couldn't find any emotion relating to it. There are many things that I suck in. One of the top-listed things is my emotional ones. I can't relate feelings to situations in the most appropriate ones.

I feel empty.
I feel like nothing has happened.
I couldn't cry nor shed a tear.
Maybe I have yet to understand the true meaning of "SAD".
I should really change my attitude and mindset of "can't-be-bothered"ness and "happy-go-lucky". tsk

I can't really remember how Cousin Bob look like in person!
BUT I CARE!

The atmosphere was gloomy. Everyone there wore a different expression. Sad. Upset. Miserable. Cried and dried -out eyes. Dad and Aunt was already despondent. I tried to at least appear like one of them.

Cousin Bob, you should already have known by now that your parents are very very very VERY tired and concerned for you, given that you were conscious a few days back, and I truly hope you will not disappoint them. Try your best and fight. We're all praying for you. Should you really go, we all have the common faith that it's God's will to take you along with him. But I sincerely hope that you will fight till the end.

I can't bring myself forth to enter the ICU again. The first and last time I went in to see him, he could open his eyes and listen to us, despite his slow and unsteady breathings. I don't relish recurring scenes of him in my mind. I don't have the guts to enter the ward to witness someone suffering silently and helplessly.

This is too upsetting already.
I will miss you Cousin Bob, Muhd Rizal.
Amin.

P.S I hope he fights till the end and wake up. I'll tell him that people do care for him. I will even tell him to read this entry especially cuz I, who appear to be a nobody for my never-care attitude, do care about him.